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Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Off-Topic Tuesdays: When Anxiety is Kicking Your Ass

Today was a bad day. I might have had a panic attack before a Bio exam that I knew I was going to fail. And I might be dropping said class because despite the fact that my advisor gave me the lightest course load he possibly could, I'm STILL buckling under the pressure and need to scale back a bit, delaying my graduation further and pretty much screwing myself over, up, down, and sideways.

I feel like a failure. I feel weak. I do not know why I'm sharing this. Maybe because I'm tired of this illusion that beauty gurus are perfect, smile through everything, and have absolutely no problems in their personal lives. I've got problems, and when I hold them inside, bad things happen. So I vent where I can.

The internet can be a dark, cruel place, but here I've found friends all over the world who are genuinely kind and caring through this blog. I hope you will continue to be kind and bear with me through these mini-rants once a week. I figured a little realness mixed with all the makeup fun would make for a better blog. And a post, even if it is an off-topic post, is better than no post at all, right?

I really thought my anxiety was getting better. I take medication for it, I see a therapist about it. Most of the time it's not even noticeable. But then there are days like today when the panic rises. I hear my heart racing in my chest. My stomach churns, my palms sweat, my cheeks flush, and out of nowhere it feels like I've contracted the flu in half a second. I run to the restroom for quiet, for peace. The quiet makes me more anxious. It's too quiet. How long have I been in here? Are they (a teacher, a friend, my boss) asking for me? Wondering where I am? Does anybody even care? If I tried to explain it, would they understand?

All this and more races through my mind in less time that it took you to read this sentence. I feel helpless. I can lessen the symptoms, I can cope, I can breathe deeply and pray to God that it all goes away. But I can't help feeling that I'm stuck like this, like I'll be like this forever. And that scares me. Because I remember a time when it all seemed so easy. Now the thing that I love the most is slipping through my fingers like sand and I can't grab onto it. I'm tired of trying. But I keep doing it anyway because it's all I know how to do. I can't go back to lying in bed everyday praying to a silent God for death. There is too much fight in me now for that. But my next step, the one beyond this computer? I'm not sure what that will be, or where. I only know that I will take it, because I can't sit here forever. I know that somewhere out there is hope, an answer, an explanation for why I'm like this. And everyday I feel one step closer to finding it.

2 comments:

  1. I have had a panic attack too and it was while I was in University as well. I studied medicine and Psyc and it was so stressful. I remember I got overwhelmed and the attack came on and it really feels like you may die. It was a terrible feeling. I don't suffer from ongoing anxiety but my sister does. Hope you feel better.

    -Erica

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  2. Nah, reading about beauty on beauty blogs is nice, but reading about people's experiences and reality can provide a deeper sense of understanding and connection with others. This won't be forever, but it is a daily battle. We've all been in a place where we feel completely weak and helpless, but brace through it!

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