Monday, June 17, 2013

Off-Topic Tuesdays: Depression, My Story

This is by far the hardest post I have ever had to write. July 3rd will mark one year since I started this blog, and in that year I have gone through more than some people go through in a lifetime.

I suppose it all started in 2008, when my grandpa died of cancer. He and I were extremely close, since he and my grandmother helped raise me when I was a child. From him I inherited my love of learning, my thirst for knowledge, my love of history, and so much more. When he left us, a part of me died with him. I sank into a deep depression, made worse by the fact that my boyfriend of two years went away to school a few months later. It felt like two of the most important men in my life (besides my dad) had abandoned me.

This began a long battle with clinical depression which I am still dealing with to this day. Those of you who have been following me from the very beginning will know that there was a time when I had disappeared from the blogging scene. Like most people who suffer from depression, I lost interest in all my hobbies and could no longer put any energy into them. But there was one other thing that kept me away, a very personal incident which I have debated sharing with you ever since I started blogging again a few months ago. But the blogging world I've entered into feels sort of like a second family, and I feel I can share this and maybe help someone else out there that's struggling.

In September 2012, I started self harming by cutting myself with razor blades. I hid it from everyone at first, but gradually started telling select friends. This went on for months, and was my release from all the stress and pain I was going through. I had come out of one relationship and entered into another that was extremely unhealthy, ruining my confidence and adding to my already present depression.

In November 2012, I attempted suicide by overdosing on prescription pills. I was hospitalized for two weeks, and for a week and a half of that time I was in the psych ward.

It was a terrifying experience...I was with people who were much sicker than me and the first few days I was so afraid and shaken up I isolated myself in my room. But slowly, I made friends there. I learned that life wasn't so bad that taking my life was worth it. Nothing I had been going through justified what I had done. My parents were with me every step of the way, visiting me every day and bringing my favorite neighborhood foods to the hospital to give me a break from the disgusting food I was being given.

When I got home, my life was just as hectic as it had been before, with many of the same stresses and triggers which had led to all my problems. But I gradually pulled myself away from all that negative energy and got help. I went to therapy, and still work with that same therapist to this day. I started talking about my problems and dealing with childhood issues I had never fully addressed. I started to heal. And I am happy to say that this blog was a huge part of that healing process.

I'm putting my story out there for a few reasons. First, I feel that the readers who have been loyal to me and stuck by me through all of this should know what I went through. I try to make this blog about something a little deeper than just beauty, and how can I claim to do that when I don't share the biggest thing that's been going on in my life outside of makeup? Second, I know from personal experience how many people hide their depression and self harming. Even if you have never been through either of these situations, you probably know someone who has. If you can't think of anyone, there's a good chance someone in your life is going through this and keeping it a secret.

These are common issues that happen to many people, but often get swept under the rug. I hope that by bringing a little attention to it I've opened your eyes, and I hope that if you're going through what I went through this convinces you to get help. You are not alone, and there is a way out.


  1. I'm happy that you're healing, and I do know where you're coming from. My story's a bit different, but I know what it feels like to not want to deal with life anymore. I've never gotten professional help, but it was more of me pulling myself out of a massive hole that I somehow fell into. Every day is challenge, but I like knowing that I was strong enough to stick around. I did a Draw My Life of my story, if you're interested - I won't write it here, since it's too long, lol. I'm proud of you for doing this, and I truly do admire you for your strength and courage. This isn't the first time I've been to your blog to read something so meaningful and so touching. Take care, Jackie <3

    1. Awww, thank you Aislinn. <3 I really appreciate that. It was hard to share, but I feel an enormous release now that I've finally done it. As much as I wish you hadn't been through something similar to what I've been through, it is comforting to know that I'm not alone. :) I'll definitely check out your Draw My Life video at some point to see what your journey has been.

  2. Thank you for sharing this. I can definitely understand where you're coming from. I've been struggling with depression since I was about 14 yrs old and it's just starting to get easier (I'm 21 now).

  3. I am so sorry to hear about your depression. I know what it is like for people who suffer with depression because I have a degree in psychology and work in therapy. There was a time when I did have patients in the psychiatric ward of the hospital where I worked who suffered from clinical depression and I know that it takes time to work through all of your issues and change the way you think and feel about life and yourself. I am not going to give you any clinical advice but I do want to say that I hope you continue to heal and get better. If you ever do need to talk about anything you can email me and I can talk to you as a friend if you would like. It is so brave that you have shared this with us because sometimes it is hard to admit something so associated with negative stigma. Hang in there and I hope you continue to improve and enrich your life :)


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